I’ve been married since 1976.  In ways it seems like such a short time ago.  In other ways it seems like my whole lifetime.  Tana and I have been married 33 years.  Unbelievable.

I’ve known Tana since 1962, as best I can figure.  I was in the fifth grade, I believe, and she was in the second when we first met.  It might actually have been one year later, but you get the point.  My family switched from the Pernell Church of Christ to the Ratliff City Church of Christ where Tana and her parents were members.  Our families became friends.  Although she was only two and a half years younger than I, she was three whole grades behind me.  So, no way was there any romantic interests at that age.  That would have been “robbing the cradle” for even a “player” like me (just kidding as I was about as interested in girls at that time as I was in going to church).  Don’t get me wrong, I did notice how cute she was even at that age, but a guy’s got an image to uphold, and there are more important things to accomplish when you’re that age.

Tana and I started dating in 1973 when I was a senior in college and she was a freshman at another college.  I had become a Christian, gotten involved with a campus ministry at my college, and in the spring of that year was attending a Christian conference in her hometown of Ada, Oklahoma.  I called her and her mom just to say hello and they asked me to come out and visit.  I didn’t have a car there so Tana agreed to come get me.  I told my friends that I was going out to see her and her mom during our free time that afternoon, and they immediately started razzing me about my “date”.  I told them she was like a cousin.  When she walked in the room, I changed my mind about that “like-a-cousin” stuff for sure, and no way did any of them believe it.  She had, let’s say, grown up.

We dated off and on for a couple of years before finally getting married.  Tana and I both had some emotional baggage we had to deal with during that time, and it did indeed cause us some problems along the way.  It still does at times.  We married on an extremely hot July 16, 1976, the United States’ Bicentennial, in the Seventh and Beech Church of Christ in Durant, Oklahoma.  We had an awesome wedding and reception and took a weekend honeymoon to Dallas before settling in to our life in Durant.  Just a few days ago, Tana and I spent the evening in Amarillo, Texas with Brent and Charlotte Adams.  Brent was the preacher who officiated our wedding.  He had also baptized me and was the preacher who had served as my early role model.  He impacted me greatly in his love for the Lord and for God’s Word.  Well anyway, those early days of marriage are certainly special and even magic, but I can say for sure that marriage can actually get better with time if you follow God and sound advice and stick in there.  Both of you.

Here are some things I’ve learned after 33 years of marriage:
1) There is no magic formula.  Live and love like Jesus and work it out.  A good marriage is hard work, it takes time, and it’s not for the weak.
2) The most important virtue of godly marriage is the individual commitment to God of each.  Marriage is not 50-50 it is 100-100 and one can only give completely sacrificial love through Him.  Each has to be ready and willing to hold the whole thing together for periods of time if the other won’t or can’t.  There can’t be quid pro quo in great marriages.
3) The second most important quality of a good marriage is mercy.  “Forgive as Christ forgave you.”  God is “rich in mercy” for us and so we must be with our mates.
4) Love is first a decision—a choice.  We want to build marriage only on romance.  Dumb.  Agape love is a love of the will and mind.  It must prevail over the other forms of love in marriage—phileo (brotherly, friendship love), storgae (family love), and eros (sexual love).  Mercy is a primary expression of agape—“As I have loved you, so you must love one another.”  But, challenge and discipline and justice are too.
5) If you’ll just treat your mate as good as Christ commands us to treat our enemies, you’ll have a decent marriage.  If you’ll treat your wife as good as Christ commands us to treat our Christian brothers and sisters, you’ll have a good marriage.  If you’ll treat your mate the way Christ says to treat your them, you’ll do even better.  And, if you’ll treat your mate the way Christ treats his mate, the church, you’ll do great.
6) You gotta be in it for the long-run or it won’t run long.  “Till death do us part.”  Stephen Covey, in “Seven Habits of Effective People” calls it “beginning with the end in mind”.
7) Husbands, your wives will generally follow you, for good or bad.  If it’s going well, you’re doing well.  If it’s going badly, you’re doing badly.  Bad direction or no direction is its own form of spiritual leadership.  It’s just bad leadership.
8) Wives, your husbands want to please you even if it doesn’t seem that way.  If you use that to your advantage to manipulate and hold out respect and appreciation, it will have very bad consequences for you and your marriage.  If you’ll appreciate his often less-than-the-best effort, you’ll ultimately get his best.
9) You are, generally, who your mate says you are.  Your mate is a mirror for you, albeit sometimes like a “fun house” mirror that distorts the reality.  But, even if distorted  there’s something real being reflected back at you to take note of.
10) What goes around comes around.  “As a man [woman] sows, so shall he [she] reap.”  But also remember, “Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up.”  Keep sending good things around to your mate.  It’ll come back.
11) Your marriage—every aspect of it—must be at the top of your prayer list.  Enough said.
12) Be prepared to get pastoral or professional counseling.  We all consult doctors when our bodies don’t function right or if we get sick.  Why shouldn’t we do the same with our marriages?
13) To experience the highs, you have to successfully endure and navigate the lows.  You’ll need wise guidance, you’ll need patience and perseverance, and you’ll need the strength of the Holy Spirit.  But, it’s more than worth it.  Have a “never, ever give up attitude.”  Yeah, marriages that fail for all the various reasons are usually over long before any legal documents are signed, and sometimes we have to admit it’s failed and turn it over to God.  But, you can’t build a good marriage holding onto an “out”.

And, after 33 years, I speak from experience and lots of wise counsel.  God blessed me far more than I could ask or imagine with a faithful and loving wife who has been a lifelong best friend.  God has used my marriage and our work together as parents to teach me so much of what the Bible really means.  I haven't graduated yet, but I think I at least qualify as a veterna now.

And, happy anniversary, sweetheart.