Having been a minister  for 35 years now has given me plenty of cause to examine my own past experiences, especially, as I examine others’ experiences in counseling.  Hence, I’ve analyzed and reanalyzed and surely over-analyzed my past.  Also, I have some pretty deep and even some extensive memories of my emotional experiences from very early on, so there’s plenty to think on.

I actually have some “snapshot” memories back to when I was two-years-old (I have a vague memory of taking a bath in the kitchen sink one time).  I have some short “video-clip” memories of when I was three and four.  I have some pretty extensive short “movie” memories of when I was five and beyond.  I have memories of mood memories associated with most of them.  I can actually remember the feelings associated with most of them.  For instance, with the bath, I was embarrassed as it was given me by a young woman from next door.  Oddly, I’m not what most would see as an overly emotional type person either, but obviously I was indeed emotionally impressionable.  Still am.

My first memory though of real depression was when I was six.  A teacher had told this little girl and me that we were going to have this very special part in the first grade play.  I was pretty honored and excited.  My memory is of just walking on the playground feeling really good and anticipating the honor, and then all of the sudden it went mentally sour for me.  It was profound because I couldn’t get the good feeling back and I couldn’t shake this sense of dread or darkness or whatever.  It’s hard to know what kicked in that day, but it was the beginning of a whole chain of experiences I believe were associated.

What I do know is that I soon began to regularly have strong bouts of dysphoria (a term generally used in psychology and is the opposite of euphoria; generally meaning just a feeling of anxiety, discomfort or despondency) where I couldn’t experience, or wouldn’t let myself experience, good feelings for any length of time.  If I did turn loose and experience the good feelings, they would generally quickly turn sad within me to this sense of dread and despondency.  And, the saddest part was that from then on when I’d think about that particular upcoming experience, the sadness associated with it stayed with it. Then, I also had trouble even enjoying it.  So, whenever I’d think of something I truly looked forward to, like Christmas when it was getting near, I’d immediately try to change my thoughts so as not to think about it and get it tainted by whatever the monster was that lurked in my inner thoughts.  

Another odd mental experience soon emerged shortly after the first.  I began to develop a people aversion, meaning certain individuals.  The experience was just like the feeling I mentioned above, however, it was just associated with certain people under particular circumstances.  I would be with somebody or at least thinking about somebody that I really liked and felt close to and suddenly this sense of dread and despondency about the person would develop.  I would develop this strong aversion to them and would just feel sort of sick around them.  Sometimes it was stronger than others, but when it happened, I’d just have to stay away from that person to maintain sanity.  If I was with the person when it happened I just wanted to run away and mostly did without their understanding that anything had happened.

The first time I remember it happening was with this little girl that I really liked.  She was my girlfriend and one day something snapped and I had this really strong aversion to her.  Nothing happened to cause it.  It came from within.  I certainly didn’t understand it.  And, she didn’t either when I absolutely quit being around her at all without any explanation.  She came up to walk with me to the bus after school that day and I literally told her I had to hurry began running to the bus.  She ran beside me.  I ran faster.  I don’t think I even said bye to her.  That was it.  It would be a funny kid-story, except it signaled a demon developing inside of me.  It was a sort of dysphoria about people.  And once it developed toward someone, it didn’t soon go away or didn’t go away at all.  So, when I’d be with a friend or a teacher or whomever and start having good feelings about them, I started to try to get away from them immediately and not think about those warm feelings lest the aversion hit and I’d completely have to stay away from them.  It was not as strong with my immediate family, but there was at least some pangs of it even with them along the way though.  Into adulthood this malady alienated me greatly from others at the emotional level.

So there I was detaching myself from thoughts and people who made me feel happy or important.  You can imagine the fears and anxieties that were developing within me.   And, you can probably imagine the sense of inner isolation that was developing as I detached myself from people that I was attracted to.  Not because I didn’t want to be around them, but because I did want to be around them.  To be able to do so at least some, I had to avoid getting too close lest the aversion develop.

Without going into details, there were plenty of triggering events in the home.  Certainly, my mom becoming seriously ill with heart disease when I was just starting school and then dying just before my 12th birthday had a profound impact not just on me but on my whole family system.  Only later could I put in perspective that I was living with a father who was often deeply depressed and who had some serious personality disorders.  So yes, there is clearly an inherited factor working within me.  And also, there were the obvious and subsequent social and emotional impositions of a depressed father on a child—the classic double whammy of genetics and socialization gone awry.  The whole family system was emotionally awry.